Spring Of Drowned
by Ringmaster
Summary: Inspired by Innortal's work, The Ranma Omake Files: Innortal Style. Ringmaster, leader of the empty Circus of the Mad, proudly presents a length of insanity featuring Ranma and his new curses!
1. Ryoohki?

Disclaimer:

I possess no ownerships, rights, or properties to Ranma 1/2. All rights, ownerships, or any other legal holdings are all the properties of their respective owners. I have not been paid for this work of fanfiction.

--(#$#)-- (This is my scene break, since the editor for FF isn't working right)

Inspired by _Innortal's_ work: The Ranma Omake Files: Innortal Style

All Hail Innortal!

--(#$#)--

"Is no problem, hot water reverse curse until next time cold water hit, see?" The Guide changed the cursed panda body into the form of a sulking Saotome Genma with the aid of a kettle. The man had actually noticed that something was wrong after impacting the water, and, fearing a concussion, had crawled out to discover his new form.

"BWA HA HA HA!" Ranma howled with laughter from the top of his bamboo pole. "Serves ya right, Pops!"

Annoyed, Genma picked up a rock and threw it at Ranma. "Quiet, foolish boy!" _Oh, man, Nodoka's not gonna be pleased with this! At least Ranma didn't pick up something._ Genma shuddered to think what his wife would do if Ranma turned into something unmanly like… like a _girl_.

"AIEE!" _splash_

"Oh, so not good, young sir fall in Spring of Drowned… eh, Drowned… You know, that new spring, just made. No one fall in that spring before, no know what is."

In horror, Saotome Genma realized that Ranma hadn't moved out of the way of the rock, (since it hadn't been aimed at him, and he'd been too busy laughing) and it had managed to hit the bamboo hard enough for it to break under Ranma's weight.

A horrible, screeching, ear-piercing WAILING howled across the entire valley, making Genma and the Jusenkyo Guide slap their hands over their ears. The spring Ranma had fallen into seemed to _explode_ outward, and a huge shape loomed over them both, hovering in mid-air.

"Boy?" Genma croaked weakly. "Is that you?"

The tremendous form screeched/wailed again, pieces of its black, spiky/crystalline body flushing a reddish color.

"I think he mad," muttered the Guide, and bolted for his hut.

It didn't occur to Genma that Ranma/thing was probably mad at him until the flying Ranma/thing started firing LASERS at him.

--(#$#)--

The Tendo family was both startled and a little frightened when a panda, carrying a great mass of wrapped chains in the shape of a boy showed up in their home. They were even more startled when the panda produced a sign that read, **Hot water, please**.

(One quick application of hot water later…)

"Its true horror has always been shrouded in mystery, but now…" said Soun, attempting to sound wise. "Saotome, does your son…?" he gestured at the pile of chains.

"To my everlasting shame, he does!" sobbed Genma, a showing of false tears flowing down his face. "Oh, that my son is so worthless that he can't even dodge rocks that I throw in other directions while he's standing still and not looking!"

There was a collected silence from the Tendo sisters as they tried to figure out how _that_ made any sense, while Soun seemed to take these words as gospel.

"Foolish boy," Genma scolded the pile of flat chains. "How could you… you… you…"

Totally flat, wet pile of chains.

"Oh, how _cute!_" squealed Kasumi, a nearby empty cup of water on the table indicating the latest accident.

"You… you… you…" Genma seemed to be stuck as he noticed a tiny black creature being held by an affectionate Kasumi.

"What _is_ it?" Nabiki asked. "It's not a cat, that's for sure."

"But it is pretty cute," stated Akane.

"… you… you… you…"

The creature adopted a flat, annoyed expression, just in time for a beam of red, blistering power to fly right out of its forehead and blast Saotome Genma out the door. (1)

With a now-smug expression on its face, it hopped out of a shocked Kasumi's grasp, passed Akane and Nabiki, both just about frozen in place, and over Soun, whose hair now stuck out at every angle. It reemerged from the kitchen as a young boy with black hair bound up in a pigtail. Oddly, the red crystal has remained embedded in his forehead.

"Stupid old man," he grumbled, glaring at the smoldering pile of flesh stumbling in from the back yard. "Why are we here?"

"Uh, well, son… you see… Soun and I made a promise long ago to unite the two branches of Anything Goes… in… in, um… marriage. So…"

He shuddered under his son's glare. "Sopicktheoneyouwantshe'syourfiancée!"

Ranma's face slid into the same annoyed, flat expression as the creature's face. Genma paled. "Um, maybe we can go back to China, and get cured? Maybe this isn't a good time for 'fiancées'?"

The crystal on Ranma's forehead flared again.

"Nooooooooooooo!"

_BOOOOOOOM!_

The Tendo family's collective thought s they watched Genma got blown up, around, and into the stratosphere was a collective, '_What in the world drowned in that spring?_'

--(#$#)--

Elsewhere…

"_Chooo!_"

"I think your pet is getting sick, monster woman. If I get some kind of galactic flu off of it, _you're_ paying for the medical."

"Stuff it, Ayeka. Are you ok, Ryo-ohki? You almost drowned in that nasty spring, we don't need you getting sick on top of it," Ryoko said, cuddling her pet/ship.

--(#$#)--

A/N

Hee hee hee… anyone who gets in _this_ Ranma's way is going to get fried. I wonder how Herb is going to deal with Ranma when he locks him into a form capable of shifting into a ship that can assault Jurai and get away with it.

(1) Fu, Ryo-ohki's younger 'sister,' can do this in _Tenchi Muyo GXP!_, so don't tell me Ryo-ohki can't.


	2. Voldemort?

Disclaimer:

I possess no ownerships, rights, or properties to Ranma 1/2. All rights, ownerships, or any other legal holdings are all the properties of their respective owners. I have not been paid for this work of fanfiction.

--(#$#)--

Again, this work of fanfiction was inspired by _Innortal's_ work: The Ranma Omake Files: Innortal Style. All wanting to see the original work that inspired this one should go visit Innortal's page.

I've reloaded chapter one to fix the typos that were created by spellcheck, such as automatically replacing 'Innortal' with 'Immortal.' Oh, and I've placed a bunch of special characters from off of the keyboard HERE !#$&()-/ P-chan

So whatever you see is what FF will still allow.

--(#$#)--

_Splash_

"Wha-? Wha-? Wha-?"

"That is Spring of Drowned Panda. There is tragic legend, very tragic, of panda who drown in that spring two thousand year ago!"

"You never said _anything_ about-!"

_Splash_

"Ohh, sir, you fall in Spring of Drowned Evil Creature I Never Find Name For. I call it 'The Hissy One.'"

--(#$#)--

"-Great Grandmother, what the hell is that?-"

"-That, my dear, is a great Evil I had thought was dead, but truly, drowned at Jusenkyo. Finish your final fight for the tournament. I shall see what threat he poses.-"

"For the love of God, doe_sss_ anyone here _sss_peak Japane_sss_e? Can _anyone_ tell me what the hell I am?"

--(#$#)--

"I am Saotome Genma, and this is my son…"

"…Ranma."

"Are you really him?" Kasumi asked. "That really creepy guy from before?"

"Hmm… Where should I begin?" said Genma, then gave Ranma and the outside koi pond a speculative look.

"Bad idea," Ranma muttered as Genma reached for him.

The elder Saotome froze. Ranma was still Ranma, no matter what body, no matter how disturbing to look upon. There were, however, some differences. Ranma's cursed form possessed not only looks that made one want to slink away and sit somewhere else, like Kyoto, but also had both a hair trigger temper and freaky powers with which to display it. The last time Genma had deliberately thrown Ranma into a body of water to wake him up, Ranma had surfaced in his new body, with enraged glowing red eyes, and screamed at him in a funny language. The next thing he knew, Genma was on the ground, screaming in pain, still a good twenty yards from a cackling EvilRanma. (as Genma had started calling him in his mind.) After the pain stopped, EvilRanma said _more_ funny words, and Genma spent the next fifteen minutes dancing as a drunken panda by Ranma's whim.

"Ah… I see your point," Genma said, and proceeded to demonstrate to the Tendos the Jusenkyo curse on his own body using a cup of cold water and a kettle Kasumi retrieved for him.

"By the way," Ranma started. "I'm very sorry about your sister. My cursed form doesn't take to insults or personal attacks very well. And I'm sorry for using your table."

Akane had taken one look at the 'thing' that had calmly walked into her house with its pet panda, and screamed out an attack.

Ranma had immediately responded with what was an almost calm, efficient demeanor (for his cursed form). The dining room table levitated up right off the floor and smacked Akane around the head until she was unconscious.

"Don't worry, Akane's been having that coming for a long time now," reassured Nabiki.

"And it's quite improper to assault the guests," Kasumi continued.

"If you're sure," Ranma answered, a little startled by their acceptance of this. He wondered if weird stuff happened all the time in Nerima.

Yeah, that's right, he don't know it.

Yet.

"So… what else can you tell us about your cursed form? Who, or what, is it?"

"Uh, well, the Guide called it the 'Spring of Drowned Evil He Never Found A Name For, But He Called 'The Hissy One.' When I'm like that, I'm still me, but sometimes I've got a real temper… and, uh, strange powers, kinda like magic or something, but I'm not sure how they work. I think I've met a few people who recognize the body, but they never tell me what it is."

"They don't? How rude," stated Kasumi.

"Yeah, well, most people just kinda stop and stare, but every once in a while, you see these people dressed real old fashioned, and they take one look at me and run screaming. They always refer to me like everyone already knows what I am. It's always, 'You-know-who,' like they won't even say my freakin' name. Oh, yeah, and this guy comes along every once in a while, with black hair and green eyes, and he flips out and starts shooting weird light at me, yelling in English. And I can talk to snakes!"

"Strange."

_SPLASH!_

"And that is Ranma's cursed form!" Genma stated, sounding proud that he managed to get the drop on his son.

"_SSSStupid old man! You die now!_"

"Oh, hell," Genma said, and then the pain began.

--(#$#)--

"Hold, foul sorcerer, and remove thy enchantment from the fierce tigress Akane!"

Ranma blinked. Sorcerer? That _was_ what they had guessed his cursed body was. Some kind of mage, or something. "Tigress?" he echoed, shooting a concerned glance at Akane.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"He called you a 'tigress.' I thought I mighta accidentally turned you into one."

"Do not ignore the Blue Thunder!"

"No, that's just what stupid Kuno calls me."

"Oh, ok. Hey, wanna be one?"

"I tell you, mock me not with your inattentiveness!"

"A tiger? Hell no. Well… maybe… It _did_ look pretty cool when you turned Nabiki into a python, even if you kept calling her 'Nagini.'"

"So… tiger?"

"Damn you, look at me when I'm talking down at you!"

"You sure you can change me back?"

"Yeah, I'm getting better at this stuff." _Mostly, anyway. And Nabiki doesn't seem to mind the infrared vision… or the sharper sense of smell…_

"Cool. Let's go find some cold water." Akane led the way with thoughts of terrorizing Kuno in her head.

--(#$#)--

"RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!"

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

THUMP

"Ooh, um… I think I ju_sss_t ki-… er, _knocked_ him out. I'll ju_sss_t take him to the… ho_sss_pital before _sss_chool start_sss_. Yeah."

--(#$#)--

"Cologne? Why are you and Shampoo here?"

"Why else? To continue… learning from you, sensei. I'm having a little trouble with my shield charms…"

--(#$#)--

"Sweeto! Akane, let me cry into your bosom!"

"Eek, pervert! Get it off me!"

"_Imperio!_ Now let go, and apologize."

"I'm very sorry, Akane. I don't know what came over me."

"That's, um… ok. You know, he's pretty fast for an old guy. Maybe he knows some martial arts!"

"Maybe. Hey, old man, teach u_sss_ everything you know about martial art_sss_!"

--(#$#)--

"Hey, Kasumi. I heard you say you needed new pantyhose before I left, and I… _found_… this pair on… uh, _sale_."

"Oh, thank you. May I ask what brand it is? I've found that a couple different brands give me a rash."

"Um… Taro brand?"

"Taro? Sounds Chinese."

"Yeah… uh… an import?"

--(#$#)--

"It's funny, Tendo. The dread Master behaves 'normally' until he gets close to the boy, then he turns into an obedient moron. And he's training your daughter and my son in the original style of Anything Goes!"

"Maybe he feels he's getting old, and that it's time to pass on his legacy?"

"Hmm… maybe."

--(#$#)--

"You are part dragon? Sound_sss_… intriguing."

"Why are you staring at me like you are considering me for dissection and ingredients?"

"I'm doing no _sss_uch thing. Tell me, how strong is your sen_sss_e of smell? I imagine someone like yourself, royalty and all, must have quite a selection of enemies. Assassinations, poison attempt_sss_, and the like. I've been through several, myself."

"What do you mean? What is the point of this line of questioning?"

"Nothing, really, Prince Herb. Tea? I made it myself. I call it 'Veritaserum.'"

--(#$#)--

"Ranma-kun."

"Yeah, Kasumi?"

"These pantyhose you bought me a while back…"

"Er… what about them?"

"Have you ever found another set of Taro brand? They're very nice, and tough. I've yet to tear them, despite several accidents. And the strangest thing! When they get wet, they become darker and thicker, more suited for being outdoors."

"O-oh, really? That's, uh, an… enchantment… that I was… experimenting with… It only worked once… with Taro brand… something like that."

"That's too bad. Oh, my, what a lovely dress you have there!"

"It's for Nabiki, her birthday's coming up. It's… leather? Yeah, leather."

"It's _beautiful_. She'll love it, and it'll go so well with those green eyes that you didn't quite get changed back. However did you get it such a wonderful, iridescent shade of green?"

"Um… a new, uh, process that I… discovered… I'm calling it… er, dragonscale leather."

"The cut's a little small, but then, Nabiki prefers that. It's so soft, too."

"Well, Herb was a young dragon… COW! Definitely cow. Yeah."

--(#$#)--

"If you're a phoenix, then _I'm_ a mongoose. I've seen a true phoenix, you're not it."

"Impudent mortal, how dare you… wait, what? Y-you've seen a _true_…?"

"Ye_sss_. As if anyone couldn't tell the difference. These flame_sss_ you're putting out are only that; simple flame. The simple flame-freezing charm I've cast is ea_sss_ily keeping me from being burned. The flame of a true phoenix, which is most definitely an actual _sssongbird_, not a humanoid, could burn through any charm I could cast. You, my friend, are _sss_imply an astonishingly _old_ phoenix animagus. While this might give you your regeneration and possibly the ability to _sss_elf-resurrect if you should be killed by mortal means, it hardly rates true phoenix. Now, if you'll excuse me, my fiancée Nabiki wants her _sss_ister to be submerged in the magical water."

"How do you know… you dare to… damn you!"

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

--(#$#)--

A/N

Sitting at his computer, Ringmaster stares at the chapter he just published.

"What the hell was that?"


	3. Jiraiya?

Disclaimer:

I possess no ownerships, rights, or properties to Ranma ½, nor to Naruto. All rights, ownerships, or any other legal holdings are all the properties of their respective owners. I have not been paid for this work of fanfiction, nor do I have any intentions of seeking out, accepting, or receiving any form of payment in relation to stated fanfiction.

--(#$#)--

Genma, as a panda, sat, and sweated.

_Soun's gonna kill me._

_Soun's gonna kill me._

_Soun's gonna kill me._

_I swore, I **swore**, that I would do everything, **everything** in my power… when we agreed that our kids should marry… that if I should have the son, and his wife the girl…_

_Soun's gonna kill me._

_I swore, that if I was the one who had the son to marry to **his** daughter, in order to unite the schools, that under no circumstances, even if it took my dying breath… that I would keep my child from being a-_

"Hooo, look at all the pretty ladies. Did the Guide say they were called Amazons? They're so nice, so young, so soft…"

_The spring Ranma fell into has twisted his mind._

_Ranma is a pervert._

_Soun's gonna murder me in my sleep._

--(#$#)--

"We have visitors!"

"Oooo! It must be Ranma!"

"Saotome, my friend, we've been waiting!"

_Oh, I hope he's older._

_How depressing. Boys!_

Nabiki and Soun shot back down the hallway, pursued by a panda carrying a youth with spiky white hair over its shoulder.

"Yo! You're scaring the cute girls spitless!"

"Daddy, _this_ is your friend?"

Soun shook his head rapidly.

"Oh, so this panda just decided to visit! Happens all the time!"

--**WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T**…--

The panda moved to flip the sign over, not that anyone noticed.

"You… wouldn't be…" Soun started.

--…**ASK HIM HIS NAME.**--

The white-haired boy immediately broke into a kind of hopping, one-legged dance, arms pointing up, spinning his head around in circles. "I am the man who has no enemies in the North… South… East… West… not even in the heavens! I am the world-class martial artist, white-haired frog tamer! Even a crying baby would stare in awe, the great Ranma-sama! That is me!"

--**NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE. YOU'VE MADE HIM DO IT AGAIN. I WILL…--**_flip_** --…PERSONALLY SLAP THE NEXT PERSON WHO MAKES HIM DO THAT.**--

"What the hell-?" Nabiki started, staring at Ranma, who _wasn't moving_ from the pose he had stopped in.

Her one question seemed to adequately sum up the situation for the Tendos quite nicely. Unfortunately, speaking _also_ attracted Ranma's attention to her and her sisters, who favored them with a look that promised that he'd be peeking in the bath later.

Akane began to growl.

Akane stopped growling when the boy seemed to like it.

"At last, you've come!" Soun cried, finally breaking out of his stupor.

"He's cute, in a rugged sort of way," Nabiki declared.

"It makes him look older," Kasumi agreed.

Akane just stared at her sisters. _What's coming over them? And someone tell me what's with the panda?_

"It's so good of you to come!" Soun continued, pulling Ranma into a hug. "So- ITE!"

He leapt off of Ranma, clutching his arms and chest protectively. It was no wonder, since Ranma's _hair_ seemed to have come to life, and wrapped itself around Ranma in a spiky, hard mass that looked tougher than a bed of nails. Genma sweated. _That again?_

"Sorry, but I only allow the lovely ladies to embrace me."

Soun boggled as Ranma's hair retreated to its rightful place back up on his head in a pigtail. Nabiki reached over and began to lightly pull and bend it, trying to figure out what exactly had happened.

"An impressive technique," the Tendo patriarch stated, noting he wasn't actually injured, just a little scratched. Akane wondered if he could teach her that move. It would get the Hentai Horde off of her _real_ fast.

--**HOT WATER, PLEASE.--** the panda signed. Ranma grinned and began to twist and spin his fingers.

"_Suiton: Suiryuudan no Jutsu!_"

Nabiki blinked. _Did he just say 'Water Element: Water Dragon Blast Technique'?_

Then water rocketed from the kettle Kasumi held, which she had been warming for tea, spun into the shape of a _dragon_, and blasted the panda with the strength of a fire hose.

Kasumi gaped at the now-empty kettle in her hands.

_Forget the hair thing, I wanna learn **that!**_ Akane's head filled with images of four-inch thick water-dragons springing out of the school's water fountains and knocking Kuno for a loop.

"Boy," the fat man who had taken the place of the panda rasped. "That was boiling water for tea. It needn't be quite that hot."

Soun almost fainted. "G-Genma?"

--(#$#)--

Ranma rolled his eyes while his old man and his friend wept over the 'horror of Jusenkyo,' only turning his attention away from the three daughters when he realized that their father was asking him something.

"Hmm? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"I asked if you had likewise picked up a curse from the terrible place."

Genma started panicking. "N-no, of course not! The boy is to good to have-"

"Yeah," Ranma interrupted, fixing Genma with an annoyed look. "But it doesn't seem to have any kind of difference."

_NO DIFFERENCE?_ Genma mentally howled, recalling the Amazon village. _HOW CAN YOU SAY THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE? YOU'RE A PERVERT OF THE SAME CALIBER AS THE MASTER!_

He didn't say anything out loud, though. Every time Genma had objected to Ranma's 'perversions,' the boy had started spewing _fire_. It was the only reason Genma was wearing a nice, clean gi. The last five had been incinerated while Genma was still wearing them. He'd been forced to buy new ones.

"Well, not much of one, as far as we can tell. My hair is white, and I have these red markings under my eyes, but nothing beyond that. I also can't change back, but I rather like my hair this way."

"Can't change back? Why not?" Kasumi asked.

Genma and Ranma shared a look.

"We don't know," Genma said, honestly (for a change).

"I was able to change back the first couple of times, but after that…"

"But… Saotome-kun is able…"

Ranma shrugged at Soun. "Don't know why. The last time I was changed into this form, it was by a river. There was a red-headed girl there…"

_I notice you're not mentioning the fact that you were all googly-eyed and drooling over her because she was naked_, Genma thought to himself.

"… she was crying, so I went to help her. I guess she was having man problems, because when I asked her if she was ok, she splashed me with water from her ladle, slapped me, and ran off. Ever since then, I've been stuck this way (1)." He shrugged. "Maybe it just locks if you're changed too many times too fast."

"I've been avoiding changing back for a while if I'm splashed within half an hour of changing into my true form. I don't want to be stuck as a panda."

"Out of curiosity, what spring was it?"

Ranma turned to Nabiki (eyeing her legs the entire time). "Spring of Drowned Sannin."

"… eh?"

"Not sure about the title, but the guy who drowned there could summon weird warrior toads to fight for him."

"Can you?"

"Haven't managed to get the big ones yet. I'm working on it. All I've got so far are perfectly normal toads, but it's better than when I started."

_AND IT'S MADE YOU INTO A FILTHY, DISTURBING PERVERT!_ Genma howled internally. But he didn't say it out loud. He didn't know _how_ Ranma could spit fireballs, and wasn't going to press his luck about being turned into roast panda.

Again.

"Well, all you got was a little hair color, so your problem isn't so terrible after all!" declared Soun, clapping Ranma on the back (but keeping his hand well away from his hair. He wasn't sure if Ranma was controlling it, or if the hair would take offense and spring an attack on its own). "My daughter Kasumi. Nineteen."

Kasumi smiled gently.

"And Nabiki. Seventeen."

"Nice to meet you."

"And Akane. Sixteen."

GLARE.

"Pick the one you want. She's your fiancée."

Ranma's eyebrows went heavenward in astonishment, before turning his eyes to the Tendo sisters.

Akane did not like the perverted look that the boy directed at Nabiki, who raised an eyebrow in response, and _looked back_. She really, _really_ didn't look the even _more_ perverted look that crossed his face when he turned and saw Kasumi, who turned away, blushing.

Then, Ranma saw _her_.

"Not my type," he scoffed, dismissing Akane with a wave.

"WHAT?"

Soun shrugged. As long as he picked one, the Tendo-Saotome arrangement could work just fine. It didn't have to be Akane, after all.

Nabiki and Kasumi look at each other, then shared a look with Ranma, who looked back (at their faces, and bodies, which didn't go unnoticed by Akane). The two sisters shrugged as well. _Best to know something about him before we all start agreeing to be engaged_, the middle sister decided.

"Well…" Nabiki started. "Do you have any hobbies? Besides martial arts?"

"Hmm…" Ranma sat cross-legged, holding his chin in his hand, looking sagely. "I help out women in need, if I find one. And then, I do my research for my books."

_THAT'S NOT RESEARCH, THAT'S **PEEPING!**_ Genma shrieked to himself.

"You write?" Kasumi asked, interested. "Have you had anything published?"

"Just one little manga. I was fortunate to get it picked up by a publisher, but my _Icha Icha_ series is doing well."

Akane frowned in confusion. She'd never heard of it. Kasumi, on the other hand, _blushed_. She didn't blush, she _blushed_. It almost seemed that even her hair began turning red. "O-oh, that series? You're… a good artist."

Kasumi thought it was a good series? Akane decided to borrow it later. Why was her sister blushing like that?

Nabiki, on the other hand, vanished.

Ranma's eyes widened. "Shit!" Then _he_ vanished.

"What the-?" Akane stared as Ranma, then Nabiki reappeared, blurring around the edges, on the other side of the room.

_When did Nabiki get so fast?_

Then the brief speed contest was over as the middle Tendo sister dive-tackled Ranma, staring up at his face in complete adoration. "You're 'Gama-Sennin,' the author of _Icha Icha Paradise?_ I just LOVE your work ♥!"

"Ah, another devoted fan!" Ranma shouted, completely ignoring that fact that he'd started dodging because he'd thought Nabiki was attacking him.

"Kasumi, what kind of series is _Icha Icha_?"

"Well, Akane, it's a… it's a… a romance."

"It's a story that revolves around a man and his innocent first love!" declared Ranma, not even making an effort to remove Nabiki from his person.

"W-well, that's true, even if it's a little… um, graphic."

"Well, seeing as how Nabiki seems to be… attached… to Ranma, I guess _she'll_ be his fiancée!" Soun decided.

"I _love_ volume fifteen of _Paradise_♥!"

--(#$#)--

"I can't believe that pervert!" Akane growled as she stomped towards the furo. "Groping Nabiki like that, flirting with Kasumi! As soon as I figure out that water-dragon thing… and a way to get that fast… and can get around that freaky hair thing… and unglue Nabiki from his arm… then he's dead!"

She slammed open the outer door to the bath, pausing for a moment when the inner door slid open, and Kasumi stepped out with a towel wrapped around her.

"Is that bath too hot, Kasumi-neechan? You look kinda flushed."

Kasumi looked her youngest sister in the eye, and giggled. "I knew he was there the whole time. I think I might be in the next volume. I feel like a model. A naughty model."

"Huh?"

Kasumi drifted out, blushing and giggling. "I didn't even know I could bend like that until I tried."

"Everyone in this house is losing their minds but me," Akane decided. Dismissing her increasingly weird sister, Akane stepped into the bathroom, hung up her towel, and began scrubbing off.

No, I said _scrubbing_ off.

"Shit."

Akane's eyes bulged. Where the hell had that come from? A ceiling tile promptly moved, answering her unspoken question. Ranma slid out of the hole, with a camera in one hand, a notebook sticking out of his pocket, and a depressed look in his face. Akane froze in shock.

Ranma shoved open the inner door, turning to look at Akane's still, naked body one last time. His expression grew even more forlorn. "Chest too small, hips too wide. Underdeveloped."

"WHAT?"

--(#$#)--

Nabiki was at school early. Why? Was it to set up her minion bookies for the days bets? To milk money out of Kuno? To tell the Hentai Horde which entrance Akane was going to use? To ask her teacher questions about her homework?

"Listen up, you chicks! Open up your beady little eyes and take a good look! Behold, the divine martial artist Ranma's… 'Far East of Eden's' wild dance©!"

"HANDS OFF! HE'S MINE!"

…to keep the man-starved girls of Furinkan away from her fiancée, perhaps?

"IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT HIM WRONG, YOUR PURSES ARE MINE, BITCHES!"

"Nabiki-neechan, you're scaring me."

Whatever.

--(#$#)--

"I'll kill you today, Ranma."

"Who the hell are you again?"

"DAMMIT, IT'S ME! IT'S RYOGA HIBIKI! WHY DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?"

"I remember Ryoga… he wasn't quite so thin… or pale… or that tall…"

"THE SPRING MADE ME LIKE THIS! THE SPRING!"

"… didn't have a fifty foot tongue, that's for sure…"

"THE SPRING, STUPID! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

"… definitely had two functioning arms, that I know…"

Yup. You got it. Spring of Drowned Orochimaru-with-his-arms-sealed.

Ryoga's luck just _sucks_.

… I'm not sure I want to be there when the skin falls off and he discovers that the body underneath is a girl.

Ha bloody ha.

--(#$#)--

WHAM!

"'Biki…" croaked Ranma from the floor. "There some reason your sister just kicked me in the head?"

"YOU'RE SICK! YOUR BOOKS ARE SICK! PERVERT!"

"I think she got a hold of _Icha Icha Paradise_. Probably tried to read the first volume."

"THAT THING WITH THE BANANA IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL, YOU FREAK!"

"Volume fifteen, then. My favorite."

"TOAD HERMIT SHOULDN'T EVEN BE YOUR NAME! IT SHOULD BE _PERVERTED_ HERMIT!"

"Don't call me that, you little brat! It's Toad Hermit!"

"ERO-SENNIN!"

"GAMA SENNIN!"

"ERO-SENNIN, ERO-SENNIN, ERO-SENNIN!"

--(#$#)--

Nabiki gently applied disinfectant to Akane's hand. "That was _not_ a brilliant idea, Akane."

"I'm trying to save her from that freak's perversions!"

"I don't think Kasumi sees it that way." _And as long as she remembers who that _real_ fiancée is, we don't have a problem._

"She takes five baths a day! For half an hour! Each!"

"It takes time for Ranma to give his sketches justice."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! THIS KIND OF THING SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING IN THE BATH!"

"I'll tell them to do her modeling in Kasumi's room or the dojo then."

Akane sputtered. That wasn't what she meant either, dammit!

"_Doton: Yomi no Shoutaku no jutsu!_"

"AHHH! I'M SINKING! WHERE DID THIS SWAMP COME FROM?"

Nabiki peeked out her window. "I see Ranma's practicing with his father again."

"_Doton: Ganshou Kanketsusen no jutsu!_"

"AHHH! MINI VOLCANO!""

"_Suiton: Hyouryuken no jutsu!_"

"AHHH! ICE DRAGON ICE DRAGON GONNA EAT MEEEEEEEE!"

"My hand hurts," Akane complained, tuning out the rather one-sided 'fight.'

"You shouldn't have tried to take away Kasumi's latest _Icha Icha_. That's her on the cover, you know."

"I still can't believe she bit me."

--(#$#)--

"Airen!"

"Shampoo? Is that you? You look different! You're blonde!"

"Shampoo get knocked into Spring of Drowned Strong Healer With Very Large Chest. Shampoo go blonde, see no difference in breast size. But much stronger."

"Stronger?"

"Crush walnuts with thighs. Two at one time! Want see?"

Ranma pulled out a notebook and wrote a few lines, a perverted expression crossing his face (it lingered for a while. It was getting used to being there), before he finished writing and put the notebook away. "Ah, but what are you doing here?"

"Airen no happy see Shampoo? Bring other wives with!"

Twenty cries of 'Airen' filled the air.

"You have inspiration write more manga now, yes? Shampoo have subscription!"

Ranma giggled and blushed in perversity.

…but pulled out the notebook back out anyway.

--(#$#)--

"Hey Pops, Mr. Tendo. I've got a new drinking buddy! Meet my new editor!"

Soun pulled his face from his now ever-present sake cup to gaze drunkenly at…

"Gahh! Master!"

"Genma! You have exceeded my wildest expectations with your son! I name him my chosen heir in all things!"

The fat panda could only watch in horror as the two self-proclaimed 'super perverts' joined forces in an unholy union that could only bring about an end to civilized life, his sanity, and his retirement as he knew it.

"Just remember, old man. The two eldest Tendo daughters are off limits, and in return… FREE _ICHA ICHA_ FOR LIFE!"

"Sweeto!"

Soun abandoned the cup. The bottle was so much faster.

--(#$#)--

"Hold, foul varlet! Today your black magicks will avail you not, for the Blue Thunder will free the beauteous Akane Tendo, her two sisters (though I care not for the mercenary Nabiki), the twenty-one Amazons, and the not-quite-feminine-but-still-rather-cute okonomiyaki chef from your wicked grasp so that they may be free to date me!" A pause. "I may as well free my twisted sister from your clutches, I suppose. But for sure, I will claim the fierce tigress Akane, the demure Kasumi, the voluptuous Shampoo, her twenty Amazon sisters, and the shapely-even-in-men's-clothing Ukyo for myself. I suppose that the wicked Nabiki and my twisted sister are… optional."

The Hentai Horde and the assembled students turn to see Ranma's reply. Nabiki was busy calculating Kuno's new, and indecent, interest rates

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

_Ah,_ Kuno thought to himself. _The fiery Akane, the near-perfect Kasumi, the vibrant Shampoo, the delectable Amazon twenty, the energetic Ukyo… I must have them! Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all!_

"**RIBBIT.**" Kuno was far too lost in his own little world to notice the fifty-foot frog appear practically next to him.

He _did_, however, notice when it swallowed him whole.

"Not sure that was supposed to happen," Ranma muttered to himself. "Ah, well, no skin off my back!"

--(#$#)--

"WHOA, WHOA, WAIT! Putting aside your claims of being part dragon, you're really a man… cursed to turn into a girl?"

"Er…" Herb paused at the expectant stares of the assembled crew. Twenty-one Amazons, two Tendos, a cackling gymnast, an okonomiyaki cook, and a withered ghoul he recognized as Cologne the Elder stared back. Having just been returned to his original form via the Unlocking Kettle, Herb wondered if his true body would be enough to blast his way clear. Recalling the ease with which the white-haired youth in front of him had decimated his retainers Lime and Mint with a kind of spinning ball of warped chi/ki technique called 'Rasengan' to reclaim his women, Herb decided that perhaps honesty was the best policy here.

"Yes. It is my Jusenkyo curse."

Ranma's eyes bulged. "I… I am… I am so…"

_Repulsed?_ Herb thought to himself, fully aware that was how he himself felt about it. _Disgusted? Ashamed? Disturbed? Join the club._

"So INSPIRED!"

"… what?" It wasn't exactly the response Herb had expected.

"My God man, do you realize what you've done? From straight to yuri and back without ever _leaving the bedroom or changing partners!_ A man who can _sleep with lesbians! _It's brilliant! Models, I need models! A whole new season of my series shall be born of this!"

"A whole…" Kasumi started.

"…new season…" continued Kodachi.

"…of the series?" finished Ukyo.

"Shampoo want be model," the bubbly Amazon murmured, a sentiment that was quickly shared by her fellow Amazons.

"For a continuation? I WILL ALLOW IT!" screamed Cologne.

Herb blinked when the assembled twenty-five young women attempted to dog-pile each for the apparent honor of being chosen as a 'model.'

Whatever _that_ was.

Ranma desperately started tearing through his pack. "A NOTEBOOK! I NEED A NOTEBOOK, A SKETCHPAD, AND AN INK BRUSH!"

Twenty-five sets of the items in question were produced from nowhere by the group of girls and shoved at Ranma. Mousse threw himself over the lot and stuffed a professional quality artist set from his robes into Ranma's waiting hands.

"It shall be called… _Icha Icha Tactics!_"

Cheers filled the mountainside.

Someone tapped Ranma on the shoulder. He turned to find Herb holding an orange-covered book in one hand.

"Um… Can I have an autograph?"

--(#$#)--

"You can't be my mother, you're far too cute and young to even look at my father once, let alone twice."

"Uh, boy, we really, really need to leave-"

"_Katon: Gokakyu no jutsu._" FWOOSH!

"Ranma should rename 'Roast Panda Technique' instead of Grand Fireball, as much as he use it on father."

Ranma grinned at his… hmm… the grouping really should have a collective name. "Maybe you're right, Shampoo, First and Only Blonde among my Harem!"

The collective fount of teenage girls giggled at him.

Nodoka gleefully turned the seppuku contract into confetti. If this didn't fulfill the terms, then she was the Queen of all England!

"My son is so manly! And he writes my favorite series!"

--(#$#)--

Ice, wind, swampland, giant toads, fireballs the size of boulders.

The battle between Saffron and Ranma devastated more landscaping than anything the Amazons had recorded.

"Just give up, insolent mortal."

"Never," Ranma snarled. "Not until my girls get their water. Then, you and me are gonna settle this."

A barrage of sharpened weapons followed Ranma's words, pursued by a wall of water the size of a small house.

Saffron emerged, gasping for breath. That mortal was insane! Even he had been caught in the water!

Something wet and heavy slapped him in the face. A quick examination revealed it to be a partially completed copy of something called _Icha Icha Violence._ Saffron stared, flying up out of the advancing martial artists charge.

"I believe we may be able to come to an arrangement regarding your… girls, after all."

Ranma blinked. "Time's wasting. What do ya want?"

"One, I want to know how you are standing on the surface of the water without wings. Two…"

Saffron held out an orange book, blushing.

"Autograph?"

--(#$#)--

A/N

(1) This is, of course, the monkey that Herb changed into a woman using the spring of drowned girl, who was wielding the Locking Ladle that she also managed to splash Herb with.


End file.
